Monday, September 16, 2013

A quick note about that post where I talked about not being skinny.

I want to say a quick thank you to anyone who reads this blog. I know there's this unwritten rule about not blogging about blogging, but since when do I follow rules?

Yesterday, I posted the most vulnerable blog post I've ever written. I don't know how people do that on a regular basis - typing out their innermost thoughts, I mean. You're basically putting all of your insecurities out there and saying "Here world! Judge me."

I rarely blog about things I'm disturbed by to *that* extent, even more rare for it to be so personal. Once in a while, there'll be a nugget of an intimate detail, often hidden amid self-deprecating humor, just a hint of how insecure I can be. Up til yesterday, I'd never been so transparent. I'm not sure exactly why I felt like I needed to blog that way this time, even, it just... needed to be said. Or typed.

As soon as I hit publish, I felt more exposed than I've ever felt. I felt more exposed than chilling at a jimjilbang in my birthday suit could ever make me feel. I was hit with a wall of insecurity. I had bared my soul, my brain. I feared what people would say. I feared that they'd misunderstand or come back with hurtful retorts, daggers of "how dare you think that way" or (worse?) "but you didn't say _____ or ______ about ______ so your argument is flawed."

Maybe that's illogical. Nevertheless, that's where I was.

I prayed that God would still my soul, quiet my fears, give me his peace. He's my guardian, my protector. It's not about what anyone else thinks. I felt safe and calm, knowing that my prayers were taken up as incense to the King.

I woke up this morning to overwhelming encouragement in comments and messages. Thank you. Thank you. In 24 hours, that post alone got around 100 views. I've never had traffic like that here! I get excited about 50 views in a week. I write a little expat blog, nothing much to see unless you really like random English in Korea or stories about my students. Y'all, it was incredibly uplifting. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone, thanks for joining me in giving over the feelings of inadequacy. I'm glad there are so many who refuse to believe the lies anymore.

Keep up the fight, I love you all,

PS here's a picture of a lamb. It's cute.

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