Discipline: a 2015 recap (aka January's almost over and I haven't collected any *Year End/New Year* thoughts AT ALL)

2015 was hard. Can I get an amen?

It started with a mission trip to Nepal and a new job, and ended with an unusual trip home, hanging out with my dad in the hospital for a week. 

It included a lot of highlights, especially a summer trip around the world (gahhhh I still need to post about that), but behind the highlights were a lot of frustrations, most of which aren't meant to be shared. 

I wouldn't trade it, even if I'm really really really glad to have 2015 behind me. 

Every year I choose a theme to pray into or focus on.
2013 was Obey.
2014 was Set-Apart.
2015 was Discipline.

I know right?

Last year on New Year's Day, I posted that I had chosen a theme for my year and I said something like "if God is willing to teach me, I want to hear Him!"

What a naive thing to say.

Every time it got hard and I wanted to hurl something against the wall, I came back to that. I chose this. I decided this. I asked God for a word and when I heard "Discipline," I accepted it joyfully.

"Yay! What a challenge! This might be hard, but it'll be soooo worth it!"
Ugh. It's easy to think those things from the safety of January 1. Now we're in the middle of January 2016, and I've had a chance to reflect on how I grew because of the challenges and frustration that happened as I stumbled my way through my Year Of Discipline.

And I guess it was worth it. (I mean, I know it was worth it.)

But, oh.
Oh man.

Several times during the year, I remembered that chipper little imp who beamed at the thought of a long, hard year. Oh yes, I remembered her optimistic "think how much closer I'll be to God at the end of a year learning about Discipline!" I remembered her idealistic whims and pleaded with God to make next year easier. Can 2016 be the Year Of Puppies?

And, honest to goodness, it was a great year. The hard is what made it great. My head knows that, because that's what wisdom says, but my flesh is still all like ughhhh that sucked. On this side of it, in the arms of beautiful beautiful January 2016, I can say that gladly! 2015 had so much greatness, so much richness, so many obvious blessings. I almost let the blessings get buried by the struggles, but I want to remember that I love my job as a librarian. I love living in Seoul. I love my adventures! And dangit, I can even say I love the struggles. That annoying Pollyanna outlook just won't let go of me. I'm an idealistic optimist til the day I die.

The lessons learned this year are hard to explain mostly because they are below the surface. They're foundational, root, building block lessons. It's harder to fix a foundation with a house sitting on it, and landscaping all around, you know? Foundational lessons are often the hardest to learn.

Discipline is a foundational thing.

So, real talk. I am bold and talkative, and I’ve never been afraid to speak in front of people. Because I was willing to serve, I have been trusted with leadership in every church I’ve been a part of. In recent years, I didn’t realize that my confidence in leadership had begun to take me in a direction I don’t want to go... I was in danger of becoming arrogant with my faith, with my leadership skills, especially because I thought my opinion was better than anyone else’s in leadership around me... if only because my opinion was the loudest.

God started to open my eyes to the danger of overconfidence (read: PRIDE). There have been times when I’ve disagreed with a leader about this or that, and I would occasionally let them know that they were wrong and they should probably do it my way instead. The first time I was called out on that, I was shocked. Someone I esteemed pulled me aside and gently told me how disrespectful it was. I thought I was just being strong, refusing to be pushed around. I didn't see that I came across as stubborn and combative. In hindsight, I can see a number of times where I refused to submit to authority and thus disrespected the structure that I'd agreed to.

I started to ask God to teach me how to be a respectful follower. (danger! danger!) I'd never prayed something like that, but it became important to me. God is faithful. I didn't know what I was about to get.

This went deeper than just being a follower, truthfully. I want to be a better friend, co-worker, roommate, daughter, human being. The lessons that God threw at me this year went deep into every relationship I have. Thank you, dearly, to the people who faced all this with me. Thank you especially to the ones I fought with, or fought against. You might not have known it but you were being used by God to teach me priceless things. Thank you for being the iron to sharpen iron.

A while back, I went through membership and leadership training at my church in Seoul.Some of the key training, for me, was about healthy submission to godly authority. God has been radically changing my paradigm. In the past, the word “submission” made me recoil. Over time, God has been teaching me about the value of submission. It has stopped being a bad word. It's still hard. I have moments of rebellion (lots of them). That's part of why last year was so foundationally hard. I'm trying to figure out the line between independence and submission, between strength and rebellion, between being exuberant and being a bulldozer.

I don't want to be an uncooperative, obstinate mule.

You know something funny?

ALL DAY LONG I expect my students to follow directions because I am their teacher, because I care about them, because I have their best interest at heart and I know more about what's going on in the whole classroom than any one of them individually might realize. It bugs me SO MUCH when the little ones refuse to follow directions. Their tiny, stubborn voices pepper me with "why?" "why?" "why, teacher?"

Substitute "leader" for "teacher" and "me" for "students" and BY GUM! I'VE DISCOVERED MY PROBLEM.

My mom taught me to obey her instructions first because she was the parent and I was the child. I expect my students to obey my instructions because I am the teacher and they are the student. SO...

When my boss or church leaders ask me to do something, why do I constantly ask why? Can I just take my own advice and trust that they are my authority and they know a lot about the whole situation and probably have a good reason to ask me to do something (or not do something) and I can trust them? I trust God, don't I? Doesn't that mean I can trust the leaders He has set?

Over a long season, I came realize just how much I didn't like to submit to authority and, more importantly, why. For years, I feared submission because I feared the abuse of authority. Knowing that godly leadership is safe because leaders are accountable to God, based on Hebrews 13:17, brought me to a new level of understanding. Layer upon layer of distrust and fear are being peeled off and it's so FREEING.

[Big Specification Here: I am not encouraging myself or anyone to trust all leaders everywhere, blindly. Don't be blind. If your leader is asking you to do something immoral or illegal or just dumb, I think there is room to respectfully ask for clarifications,etc., and, of course, don't do the immoral or illegal thing. I think the reason many of us fear authority is because it's been abused so often. That hurts. It's real. It takes time to heal those scars. 
The leadership structure I'm talking about is a godly, Biblical structure that has proved to be trustworthy. I'm also talking about leaders at work, where my pigheadedness has gotten me into some conflict with bosses over the years. I've made mistakes and learned a lot. I'm certain that I'm a better employee because of 2015. This is big for me!]

I want to have a heart for submission because I trust God.

I think that's what this year is about. And that's why this year has been so hard. My "token sin" is pride. Willful pride. Obstinate, combative, stubborn, inflexible, headstrong, bullheaded pride. The voice that said that my opinion was better than anyone else’s around me... if only because my opinion was the loudest.

It takes discipline to re-learn what I now want to know, which is to say, submission.

It takes discipline to re-learn how to submit.

And it might have sucked, but I needed 2015 to begin the process of re-learning what I should know, cause I've had yeeeears of practice not submitting. There is a lot of stuff built on a broken foundation.

(When I say I need to re-learn submission, I'm not just thinking about submitting to bosses or leaders,  but to friends and parents and roommates and even people who push me on the subway ... based on Ephesians 5 ... because submission is a form of kindness, and love, when you think deeply about it.)

Last year I wrote... 

Who am I? What is this?? I'm willingly seeking discipline, knowing full well that discipline is rarely easy. I'm inviting all sorts of challenges with this word. And yet, at this point I know without a shadow of a doubt that discipline is worth it. I'm a little nervous, yes, but I also eagerly anticipate some huge, valuable lessons at the end of it all. Proverbs 3:11-12 confirms what we all know: good fathers discipline because of love. I'm asking my Father for discipline, confident that whatever He does will be good, pure, righteous, and that I'll be a better daughter because of it.

"My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline,

and do not resent his rebuke,

because the Lord disciplines those he loves,

as a father the son he delights in."

Proverbs 3:11-12

If I want God to use me for greatness, for His purposes, for His glory, I need to be ready for that. I need refining, I need challenges, I need iron sharpening iron, I need discipline (all wrapped in love) to accomplish great things. I am a set-apart, obedient daughter of the King. Royal daughters are leaders. Princesses must act with decorum. Princesses must have self-discipline. 

But seriously, God, I'm praying that 2016 is less of a struggle. 2015 was hard. Lots of waiting. Lots of pruning. Lots of refining. I want the harvest. 

But thank you for your Discipline. 

Nepal Missions 2015!!!

“How beautiful upon the mountains 

are the feet of him who brings good news, 

who publishes peace, 

who brings good news of happiness, 

who publishes salvation, 

who says to Zion, “Your God reigns.””

Isaiah 52:7

WELL HELLO THERE! 2015 is getting better by the day, right? This month has been busy and exciting with a lot of changes and a lot of rest thrown in. I'm still on winter vacation, but this isn't the boring kind of break from work where I sit in my apartment and stare out the window as the days drag by. Remember how much I hate that? August was like that. No más. No más. This winter break has been restful in all the right ways (sleeping, reading, hiking, baking), but it's been SUPER BUSY at the same time! I'm still commuting up to Seoul on the weekends and going back to Jeonju during the week for a little while longer. The MAIN reason I'm so busy is that I'M GOING ON MISSIONS THIS WINTER!!! We have training every weekend, and my team is busy getting prepped and bonding over dinners, and each team member has different tasks to complete

WANT TO HEAR MORE? I'm so glad you asked!!!

I have the privilege of being sent to Nepal to share the Gospel through my church, New Philadelphia, an English Ministry in Seoul. We'll be serving in Kathmandu, the capital city, and Hetauda, a small town in the Himalayas, from January 30 – February 6.

Photo cred: http://www.sevensummittreks.com/Nepal-1-1.html

For those of you who don't know much about Nepal, Nepal is beautiful. Nepal is where the Himalayas are. As in, Mount Everest. I KNOW RIGHT? Stunning. The more I read into the history, too, the more I fall in love with the country. Nepal has had a tumultuous few decades, with major governmental shifts and protests. The monarchy was abolished in 2008 and the country is now a Federal Democratic Republic with a president and prime minister. Nepal has a rich, diverse culture, many different ethnicities, AMAZING food, and a lot of people who have never heard about Jesus.

YOU GUYS. We're going to the mountains to share the beautiful news that God (who created the world and sits on the throne in Heaven) looooooves you. More than you can imagine. You might think you're not good enough to be loved like that, and you're right, but He sent his very self, in human form, to take the punishment that we deserve, to provide a way to connect with Him forever. God came to us. We don't have to clean ourselves up first and figure everything out, we just respond by running into the open, loving arms of a good Father. That's the Good News that are going to share! That's the Gospel.

Because I believe that, I MUST tell people! Because I believe that His death on the cross redeems people, giving us freedom, grace, and a relationship with the Maker of the Universe… Because I believe Him and accept that great love for me, I have share that great news! I’m so excited to do that in Nepal!! I’m thrilled about this opportunity! Every time God gives me a chance to talk about his freedom, grace, and salvation, I’m blown away. Oh, how He loves us!

WANNA HEAR MORE? OKAY! 

We will be doing ministry with Nepalese and Tibetan refugee communities, hosting worship services, and encouraging local pastors and youth leaders. It's gonna be INCREDIBLE. We are going to experience God in a way I've never seen, and I can't wait to be in the middle of it. God does crazy things. I've seen more of that this year than ever before... He's preparing us for some magnificence. (Is magnificence a word? I'm gonna go with it.)

If you've been around me for very long, you know I’ve been on a few mission trips before with different organizations. I've seen them done well, and I've seen them done poorly. I tell you what, New Philly missions are on the up and up. We're not interested in creating welfare states and dependent nations. We want to see the power of Christ change lives, change communities, and let that transformation change nations. We have seen it happen in Korea! We seek to do ministry that is transformative and meets needs. We partner with NPWM, which is Native Partners for World Mission. NPWM has a network of local pastors all over Asia, so when we do missions, we aren't telling people the Good News and then leaving like, welp good luck! Jesus loves you... we gotta go, yo. That's not how we roll. When we share this glorious story, we are supporting local pastors and the work that they're doing long-term in the community. We might be a novelty with our white, black, and/or Korean faces, we might draw in the curious with the *newness* off it all, but at the end of the day it's not about us. It's not about what we do. It's about what God is doing in these lives. We are confident that He sees the least. What we do is to serve the King of all creation. He sees every person. He loves every person. He wants to use His followers to do good work for his creation. We get to partner in that. It's a big responsibility, one that we don't take lightly. We are able to love people and share the love that God has for them, then help them connect with local ministers that can usher them closer and closer to God through discipleship, into maturity in their faith. IT'S AWESOME. I love every bit!!

I’ve never received the missions training that I’m getting through New Philadelphia. Because of the power that we know we'll see, we have received specific ministry training, VBS training, body worship training (that means dance practice and it is so challenging and fun!), training for support raising (that means money. don't be scared...), training for fasting, for healing, for specific challenges that we might see in the field. This will be the most powerful mission trip I’ve ever been on! Our team is stacked with powerful people who love Jesus mightily and want to share the relationship we have with Him. We want to see broken people made whole. We want to see hurt people be healed. We want to see lost people become known. We want to see it all, and we know the only answer that lasts... is Jesus.


Jesus truly changes lives. I hope that you will catch and share my heart for this cause.


So I mentioned support raising, right? Can we park on that for a minute? In the spirit of the Great Commission (Matt. 28:18-20), we are called to go and make disciples, but we are also called to send (Rom. 10:14-15). There are 2 main ways that I'm talking about here. Please send me with prayer support, and please send me with financial support. I need both and I'm asking you for both. Yes you :)

1. Missions teams cannot go without prayer support. 

Pray for me before, during, and after the trip, pray for my team before, during, and after the trip, pray for the local pastors before, during, and after the trip, pray for the people we meet in Nepal before, during, and after the trip, pray for Nepal itself before, during, and after the trip. Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you when you pray. Be creative. Get a bulletin board with my/our pictures on it. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Set a reminder on your phone. Ask your 4 year old to remind you. Whenever you think about that guy you have a crush on, let that be a reminder to pray for us. Please and thank you.

My church is a BIG BIG BIG BIG force of prayer. God says to pray. We are God's house. We pray up and down, sideways, day after day, reminding each other to pray, gathering together to pray, staring meetings with prayer... do I need to say that prayer is a big thing? IT'S A BIG THING. So when it comes to missions, we pray hard. Every team member is covered. Every team member feels the covering. Crazy supernatural things happen that are only, only a result of prayer. God hears prayers. Please please join us. First and foremost, this blog post is an invitation to pray with me before, during, and after the trip. Prayer is essential to ministry!

If you want to pray for us specifically, please check the New Philly facebook page for prayer points every day! This missions season, we are sending out 12 missions teams over 4 different waves. Wave 1 returned recently, Wave 2 leaves in a week, Wave 3 leaves in a week and a half, and Wave 4 leaves on January 30!! THAT'S ME!!! I'm in Wave 4! Anyway, there will be updates and pictures of the different teams up on the facebook page. If you go to the page and pray for us, please "like" the prayer point that you prayed! This is very very very very encouraging to missionaries who come back, so we can see the prayers that have been prayed and answered! Again, check out https://www.facebook.com/newphilly and keep all the missions teams covered in prayer. THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU THE END.

2. Missions teams cannot go without financial support. 

Money. I know. It makes people uncomfortable. It also used to make me uncomfortable to ask for it. I had this mindset that I should pay my own way or, "well people should just give to the missions fund at church, then the church can fund the missions," but... God's been changing that mindset in me. Missionaries are ambassadors, not beggars. I love missions, I love the way God commands us to GO, get out there and talk about what He's done, but I never realized that it's important to let other people be part of that. Not everyone has time or the ability to go across the world to talk about Jesus. I am in a place in my life where I have time and I am physically able to go. But what if someone can't physically go to the mission field? What if they don't have vacation time? What if they have 10 kids and can't leave for a week? How can they be part of the Great Commission? They can live missionally, they can send missionaries, they can pray and they can fund.

It gives a whole 'nother level of responsibility to the ones being sent out. When I'm fasting and training and praying and preparing, I am extra mindful of the people who have sacrificed and paid into my personal mission fund. I have to be faithful to what God's called me to for His sake, yes, but also for the sake of the ones who have trusted me with their money for the Kingdom purposes. I can not, must not squander their investment. It's my job to be faithful to give them a good return on their investment. They're literally investing in the trip. They'll see fruit, they'll see photos of the great things God is preparing for us in Nepal!! It helps me prepare, knowing that I'm going to be held responsible for stewarding their money. It's a great responsibility.

SO, if you're still reading, hahaha, I am still raising financial support. My entire trip cost is around $1,700, so, if you can invest in the trip, I would gratefully receive your contribution. As I write this, I'm currently at 77% of my support raising for the trip. I was hoping to be at 85% by last Friday... help me out! I need about $380 to be fully funded.

To donate, please visit my support page here, and if I'm fully funded by the time you read this, maybe you'd like to support other members of my team by clicking here! By funding our team, you're giving a voice to the Gospel. God told us to tell everyone. People need to hear! Thank you for being part of that, and I'm not kidding when I say we take our responsibility seriously! We've worked very hard already and we're not even there yet. This. is. gonna. be. awesome. God is powerful and He can do all things!!

Thank you for your interest in our trip! If you have any questions, you know I'll be oh so happy to talk more about it with you! Shoot me an e-mail, text, facebook message, twitter DM, smoke signal, whatevs. I'm a big fan of Jesus, and I pretty much can't shut up about it.

I love you muchly. Thanks for reading :):)

“We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, 

as though God were making his appeal through us. 

We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.”

2 Corinthians 5:20

This Year, Next Year.

Happy New Year!! 2015 is here!!! This morning, I woke up to a beautiful bright blue sky, the late morning sunshine streaming through my window. Perfect. Welcome, New Year, you're gonna be powerful!

Lately I've come up to the New Year with a different kind of eagerness than I grew up with. Maybe it's another product of living overseas, but December 31 stopped being just a night to stay up late and watch fireworks. Maybe it's that I am getting older and wanted to reflect more? In either case, starting in 2013, I began to intentionally choose a word to create a theme over my year. As God brings me to new levels of intimacy with Him, I want to respond! If God is willing to teach me, I want to hear Him! Choosing a personal theme to focus on over the course of the year has helped. In 2013, I resolved to be a more obedient daughter of the King, so every time I heard or read the word "obey," my attention peaked. Ok, God, I'm listening, what would you have me learn here? I got some great lessons and my faith matured quite a bit as I sought after honest obedience.

This past year, 2014, my word was "set-apart." Last January, I asked myself what it meant to be set apart by Christ, in Christ, for the glory of God? What does that look like in practice? This year has brought so much breakthrough! I've learned about vulnerability, submission, identity, letting go of fear, friendship, the Holy Spirit, authority, community, patience, dreams, being time-oriented, and on and on. It was a powerful year! If you've been tracking with me here, you've heard some of what's been going on.

In the spirit of reflection, I've been spending a lot of time this week reading old journals and old blog posts. This is why I love the written word. Emotions come and go, especially when you are ADHD and change your mind more often than your clothes. Having a written record of what I was thinking, praying, dreaming about makes it easy for me to see how far I've come! I will be building on these lessons for yeeeeaaaaars. 2014 started with a fight and the fierce determination to be spiritually steadfast. Through the hard stuff, there was so much fruit. So much favor. I wouldn't trade a single struggle or embarrassing moment. The Zara who is on this side of 2014 is much stronger than the Zara who set out a year ago. I LOVE THAT about life. Every year I can hardly recognize myself, but I know I'm the same. Thank you, Father.

With my theme word in mind, each time I read about how God set Israel apart to be His people, I circled the words. He called them out, for a purpose, to be a powerful testimony of His power and grace. Even in Israel's repeated disobedience, the way he set them apart is a witness to His undeserved mercy! So for me, what does that mean? As a Christian, I am a daughter of the King! Everyone knows that princesses are set apart from the people. They're special. Reserved for greatness. I have been set apart my whole life, and I don't understand why, but I receive every bit of the grace that comes with it! I have a pretty boring testimony. By God's grace, I never walked away from church. I never backslid hard into drugs or promiscuity. I can't take much credit for my boring testimony. It wasn't necessarily that I didn't want to engage in really exciting sin... I mean, I wouldn't have gone out and been like yeah! let's go out and disobey God! this is gonna be super fun, but (real talk) people wouldn't sin if it wasn't fun... I was rarely tempted into the "really exciting sin" stuff because most of the time I just wasn't invited. It's lonely to be left out by people, especially your friends, even when they are off making poor decisions.

And yet! As I took the time this year to reflect on what it means to be set apart, I rejoice all the more that I have been called and chosen by the Most High God to serve Him. My testimony isn't flashy, but it's the story of one set apart. There's a better way to do life than to engage in really exciting sin. Over the years it might have been hard, but somehow, underneath it all, I have known that it's worth it. I'm glad now that I was left out so often. Sin leads to death. Because I was left out of a lot of opportunities to be tempted, I have suffered from less wreckage that comes with sin. Choices have consequences. I pray the same life of grace over my nieces and nephews, cousins, youth, and students, that they would each be set apart and suffer the least possible amount of wreckage from sin. I took it to heart when we received the benediction in my church every Sunday growing up, "The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you..." The Lord God is able to keep you from sin. Open up your heart to that grace. Receive Him. You've been set apart.

2013. Obey. 
2014. Set-apart. 
2015... The word I've chosen for 2015 is "discipline."

I'll let that sink in. Who am I? What is this?? I'm willingly seeking discipline, knowing full well that discipline is rarely easy. I'm inviting all sorts of challenges with this word. And yet, at this point I know without a shadow of a doubt that discipline is worth it. I'm a little nervous, yes, but I also eagerly anticipate some huge, valuable lessons at the end of it all. Proverbs 3:11-12 confirms what we all know: good fathers discipline because of love. I'm asking my Father for discipline, confident that whatever He does will be good, pure, righteous, and that I'll be a better daughter because of it.

"My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline,

and do not resent his rebuke,

because the Lord disciplines those he loves,

as a father the son he delights in."

Proverbs 3:11-12

If I want God to use me for greatness, for His purposes, for His glory, I need to be ready for that. I need refining, I need challenges, I need iron sharpening iron, I need discipline (all wrapped in love) to accomplish great things. I am a set-apart, obedient daughter of the King. Royal daughters are leaders. Princesses must act with decorum. Princesses must have self-discipline. 

Practically speaking, I'm starting this year off with a book on spiritual disciplines. I've started reading Intimate Faith: A Woman's Guide to the Spiritual Disciplines by Jan Winebrenner.  It's already been rocking my world from the first few pages. From the Publishers Weekly review: "To the frequently taught disciplines of study, prayer, worship, fellowship and service, she adds a dozen others, including humility, chastity, secrecy, silence and celebration. All disciplines, she repeatedly emphasizes, have one goal: a passionate romance with God." I MEAN, RIGHT???? The book teaches about 17 different spiritual disciplines. I'M SO EXCITED!!! 

I also know that I must (must) practice discipline in my finances. It is getting ridiculous. I am 28 years old and I haven't saved anything long-term because I haven't paid off my masters (and a bit of credit card debt) because I am more excited about traveling around this great wide world than I am about paying off debt. Up to now, if you'd asked me if I've been saving lately, I could only say "Yeah! I saved $20 bucks on this sweater at H&M! It was such a good deal that I bought 5." ...true story...and that's not responsible. Responsibility is important. Ugh. God's been using many different means to speak into this in the past month, and I finally admitted that ok, God, I hear you, fine! Also, and this might be trivial to you but it's not to me, if I want to get married someday (please Lord), it is not fair to let a man save up enough money to woo my heart only to saddle him with all my debt. That's not nice. That's not fair. I refuse to do that. 

So with all that, I resolved to be responsible, start attacking my debt with all the feisty-ness that I can muster. I have even taken it to the extreme that I am cancelling all my plans for international vacations (not including missions) until I get it all paid. No holiday in South Africa. No backpacking Europe. No vacation on a beach in the Philippines. Sigh. But it's like Dave Ramsey says, sometimes you have to tell yourself no now so that later you can tell yourself yes. It is time to learn that ancient and powerful word: no. I started practicing this week. I went to UniQlo (do we have those in the States yet? It's a popular clothing chain in Korea) to find a pair of burgundy jeggings (because I wear my black ones every day THEY'RE SO COMFORTABLE), but they didn't have my size... I thought about getting them in grey, and then I found a pair of dark blue plaid trousers that were super cute and classy... and then I thought about my debt. I said to myself, "self, do you want to spend this money on pants that you want but don't need? Or do you want to be that much closer to paying off debt?" And then I put the pants down and walked out of the store. IT WAS SO HARD. It was good though. Responsibility is important. This discipline thing. Spiritually, financially, and however else God decides to teach me. I'm ready. 

I'm interested to hear from all of y'all who track along with me! What words have you focused on lately? What challenges are you accepting for 2015? Let me know! Whatever they are, I hope you have a blessed year, that God speaks to you and through you to make His name great. Happy New Year!! 

Arrows

I have been thinking a lot about arrows lately, and not just because Catching Fire recently hit the big screen, though I definitely have a girl-crush on Katniss. I really need to learn to bow hunt. It feels like I'm the last hunter in my family who doesn't. I keep getting pics of family with their recently-arrowed game. (The pics make me hungry.) 

But those aren't the only arrows I'm thinking about tonight. 

Jimmy Needham wrote a song called Arrows* a few years back:

"Everywhere I go, I see arrows, 

Pointing the way back to you. 

Everything I see grabs ahold of me, 

Leading me straight back to you." 

This week I've been meditating on what it means to be an arrow.

There are a handful of people in my life who act like arrows in my life. These are the friends who consistently and constantly point me back to Jesus. I can't hardly have a conversation with them without being reminded of the Lord. When we speak, I regularly end up receiving counsel or prayer, hearing about great scripture they read recently, or being advised about a new worship song/album to download. What a blessing!

Arrows, y'all. Arrows.

I want to be an arrow. I want to live a life that relies so much on Christ that people can't help but see Jesus when they look at me. I want my life to point directly to Him in everything. If I'm an arrow, I want to point to my God from every area of my life. I want people to see how real this God is. 

God's sent such incredible people in my path that I can't help but be surrounded by arrows. It just makes sense that if you want to be an arrow, you should surround yourself with arrows. I crave their friendship and value time spent with them on adventures or in conversation. (Friendship has been a big theme in my life this year, in various stages and seasons. I'm blessed beyond measure.)

...

In related arrow-news, I have seen this quote almost every day this week. Pinterest has a way of doing that - someone finds a new quote and voila! It makes the rounds on eleventy billion different picture overlays. Just do a pin search with "arrow backwards" and you'll see. Here, check it out.

I happened to see it again while I was listening to the song and these lyrics just clicked:

"Make me an arrow, 

Put me in your bow, 

Pull me back and let go

And send me wherever you want me to go. 

I'll be your shadow, 

You lead, I'll follow you! I'll follow you." 

Maybe your life isn't going the direction you thought it would. Maybe you feel that you're going in the opposite direction. "Put me in your bow, pull me back and let go..." An arrow must be drawn backwards to propel forward. The backwards draw takes longer; it's deliberate. Imagine drawing a bow, waiting for the right moment to release the shot. The instant you let go the string, that arrow propels forward with a speed you can't humanly achieve. An arrow flies through the air with greater velocity than that of a Heisman quarterback's football. 

The backwards draw takes longer... 

it's on purpose, to transfer the tension from the string 

to the speed of the arrow's forward motion. 

Without being pulled back, an arrow cannot go far.    

Maybe your life isn't going the direction you thought it would. Life seldom does. But when you put your life in the hands of God, when you become His arrow, you can trust that it will achieve a purpose greater than that which you could humanly achieve. "Make me an arrow, put me in your bow, pull me back and let go, and send me wherever you want me to go." 

I want to be an arrow. I want my life to point directly to Jesus in everything. It's not about me. It's not my bow. I'm secure in His great plan. I want Jesus to be the one who draws me back if he needs to, so that he can send me forward with all His speed and accuracy into the life He's planned for me. 

Make me an arrow...

"Everywhere I go, I'm an arrow, 

Leading the way back to you. 

In pleasure or in pain, 

Just like sunshine and rain, 

I'll be an arrow for you. 

I'll follow you." 

*Arrows appears on his Clear the Stage album. It's a great album. Go buy it. Side note: Clear the Stage is one of the best songs ever. It's spoken truth through Ross King for many years, even before Jimmy recorded it. They're both fantastic, truth-seeking musicians. They're also both Texas A&M Aggies. Go support their music like crazy.

Hiking with Jesus

I love autumn. I love going hiking. I especially love hiking in the early morning. I am not a huge fan of the freezing temps that we had this week before sunrise, but it's only gonna get worse now that it's nearly winter, so I guess I shouldn't complain yet. 

This autumn has been my favorite season in Korea so far. The weather has been PERFECT, but the autumn foliage has rocked my socks off. I don't remember last fall being this stunningly gorgeous, but then again I lived in a bigger city that doesn't make nature a huge priority (not to mention I worked a lot more hours last year, so I didn't get out in nature as often). Jeonju does a fantastic job of landscaping along the streets, so in the spring there were cherry blossoms and azaleas errrrrywhere, and now that fall has come and almost gone, the multi-colored leaves have been too! Even if you don't get off the asphalt path that often, you can't miss the seasonal foliage. I have taken SO many pictures of fall leaves with my new fancy camera, but unfortunately my computer has stopped reading SD cards, so I can't upload them anywhere yet. Grr. Soon. Maybe. I hope. The leaves have mostly fallen around town, leaving everything a plain November brown, but up in the mountains, the leaves are still blossoming (if you'll let me borrow the term). Beauuuuuutiful. Ah. So pretty. Baie mooi. 

Anyway, I don't have to teach on Thursday mornings so it's a perfect day to go hiking. It's not as busy as Saturdays and I like that. I waited until the sun was up a little to hit the trail (cause it was too COLD), but even still I caught some beautiful sunrise through the clouds. The LEAVES, y'all! Texas doesn't have color like this!! Heck, we don't have much of this "fall" stuff at all. We go from "late summer" to "early winter-ish" too quickly. You might see one or two pretty red trees in the fall, but nothing like this. My Canadian friends mocked my admiration of the leaves changing, cause apparently this ain't nothing compared to their typical autumn color. I can't even wrap my mind around that! 

SEE? No filter. No editing. Just seasons. SEASONS. It's so neat! 

Now that's more like what Texas looks like in the fall. Dead.

A lot of times when I go hiking by myself, I listen to different podcasts. This week I was streaming a sermon from The Village Church in Dallas, TX. They're finishing up a series on Recovering Redemption. It's flat-out awesome. Matt Chandler is a seriously gifted preacher. That man can hits with the truth and doesn't have an ounce of pretension or arrogance behind it. I can't recommend it enough! They've got an app for their sermons, so search for The Village Church in your app store, or you can just check the podcasts on itunes. After my hike, I went back to August in this sermon series to start at the beginning, cause the talk I listened to on the mountain was just. so. good. Almost makes me want to move to Dallas instead of Austin if and when I ever move back to Texas (my love). 

So basically I went hiking with Jesus. If you've never done that, if you've never carved out time in your schedule to go off in nature and ponder the glory of the Lord while surrounded by the glory of his creation, get on it. It's so awesome. 

Relevant side note: 

I don't know about you all, but October was kind of a difficult month. It wasn't smooth sailing. I wasn't my usual chipper, bubbly self for most of the month. I got slammed with a weird  bout of homesickness out of left field! I've lived overseas for nearly 2 years, so I kinda figured I'd gotten the hang of missing people. Like it's a back-burner thing. I'm always aware that I miss people, but I am not constantly thinking about it most of the time these days. AND THEN October. It wasn't as sharp as it was the first time I experienced homesickness & culture shock early in 2012, but the fact that it came out of nowhere made it pretty intense. Bam. It was strong, y'all. I love my family. Being away from them is super hard some days. So, yeah, October was kinda rough. 

And then there I was on a beautiful Thursday in November, beautiful new November, on top of a freaking mountain in South Korea, surrounded by the most beautiful leaves, pondering truth from God on high. Truth like... 

Don't despise difficult days. Your loving Heavenly Father is tugging on the roots of sin. God uproots sin at the plant, he doesn't just get rid of the fruit of sin. A root is killed by exposure- God himself is gardening in the depths of your heart. It's because He loves you! Drag those roots into the sunlight. 

Reroot in God. Let him use you, submit to what God wants to do in your life. The old has passed away, the new creation has come. You're a new creation, it's not just modified behavior. 

2 Corinthians 4:16 reminds us that our inner self is being renewed DAY BY DAY. It is not something that's accomplished 'once and for all.' It's not a silver bullet. It's a habitual change of ethics. Day. by. day. 

I don't know about you, but I need, desperately need, reminders like that. To God be the glory, great things he has done! 

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ... For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. 

Ephesians 2: 4-5, 8-10

...

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

Faith

You know, I've been hesitant about blogging much about my faith in this space.  I've blogged about my church and prayer requests, but those aren't the same thing as my faith, in a spiritual sense.  My faith has been such an integral part of my life for so many years that it usually just overflows outta my mouth.  Back home, I am constantly surrounded by Christian believers or at least people who respect others' personal faith, so it was easier to write about my faith on my old blog, especially knowing that 1) not many people would read it anyway, and 2) it was unlikely that I'd really bother anyone with it.  Over here, though, there are more people that are offended by strong Christian faith.  I haven't faith-blogged much just in case any of them read these ramblings that I post.  I don't want to offend anyone, and maybe I'm afraid of being judged.

Lately, that's been bugging me.  Why should I tame this faith?  For God's own sake, I shouldn't.  I respect other faiths, of course, but Jesus Christ is the one that I believe in, and with that, I believe that He's the only way, truth, and life.  Mine is a faith to shout from the rooftops, but instead, I've toned it down.  How foolish of me.  I haven't helped anyone that way, and it might even affect how I feel/act/am on a day-to-day basis.  I'm a Christian.  It doesn't do anyone good if I'm a lukewarm one. 

On that note, I will stop it.  If you're anti-Christian, please put on your kindness hat and don't be mean, because this whole Christianity thing is important to me.  My faith is every bit as important to my year in South Korea as my adventures, my kiddos, or anything else.  I promise not to disrespect whatever you believe in (unless it's the Texas Longhorns), and I ask that you do the same.

----


Beth Moore wrote on her blog yesterday about her struggles lately in terms of faith, and how that's directed her to pray more earnestly for God to give her a heart that's open to the Word.  She mentioned her pastor (who's also her son-in-law, Curtis) asking a question during worship, and I want to share that part of her post here:

"He asked us the question, “Do you want to live in the midst of supernatural provision?” and I do! So I wrote down on a stick note, “I WANT TO LIVE IN THE MIDST OF SUPERNATURAL PROVISION.” Yes, Lord, I surely do. Curtis said so much of the time we live the Christian version of ordinary because we either have so much or are satisfied with so little that we can simply take care of ourselves. By all means let’s put to use what God has given us. That’s good stewardship. But let’s not get ourselves in such a self-sufficient rut that we end up missing the supernatural. Wonders can happen when we’re in a place desperate enough to look for them and have the patience enough to wait for them and the prayer life enough to ask for them."


I am hit hard by that thought. Are you?  I never want to settle for any version of ordinary.  I'm just not the ordinary type.  I have been blessed to know some extraordinary believers who have really challenged my faith over the years.  This reminds me a lot of the kind of Spirit-led life that I've witnessed, that I've experienced on occasion.  The times when I've seen God light up my life in the biggest ways have been times when I've had no control over what happened next.  Times like when I worked at camp, where every day is new and fresh and unpredictable (for real, working with children 24/7... unpredictable is a given), times like when Skyler and I were getting ready to go to Haiti and I had no flight and no funds to get there.  Those times forced me to get on my face in prayer and dig into the Scriptures and beg God for something amazing.  I didn't use the same words, but that was living in hope of supernatural provision.

Not only do I love how my life goes when that's happening, but the thought that life like that is "good stewardship" is incredible!  That God wants for us to ask for Big God Things.  He wants to be glorified in our lives.  He doesn't want us to be self-sufficient.  He is sufficient for us!  Mmm.

More from Beth:

"Curtis also said that “If we look around our lives and we have everything we need, then we may need to live a bigger life and set better goals.” The God-nodding kind. The Word-believing kind. The Gospel-living kind. Nothing about Curtis’s quote is in opposition to Biblical contentment. We’re to be content in whatever circumstances we’re in. We’re talking here about fighting the urge in our excess to be content in our self-sufficiency. To see little of God because we need little from God."

God, change us.  I don't know what kind of bigger goals I want to be setting, but I'm glad to be thinking about it now.  I'm not about living a ho-hum, comfortable life of self-sufficiency.  I'd rather live a wild life of God-sufficiency, being content to be either rich or poor (that's where the famous verse, Philippians 4:13 comes from, in context!).  I haven't been doing well with contentment lately.  Maybe that will be my prayer goal?

More from Beth:

"I want to live in such a way that I know – I absolutely know – after a long, hungry spell that, when the sun comes up warm and gold and the ground shimmers with manna, only God could have done that. 
 
That’s glory.

Total, unabashed, unspared, unshared credit."

I want to see provision. I want to see manna on the ground.  I want my life to be a testimony to the crazy, amazing things that God did without my help.  And I want the courage to shout it out loud.

I need God, and I need to talk about it.  Thanks for listening.

Testimony

[Saved post from April 2012 that never got posted, mwerp mwerp] 

I gave my testimony at church this morning! I go to W.E.M., Wolgwang English Ministry, in Gwangju. It's about a 20 minute walk from my apartment and there are a hundred or so foreigners there, along with English speaking Koreans who love us. Today, we had a big fellowship service with lunch afterwards (Korean corn-and-potatoes-pizza and fried chicken, with sweet pickles and chopsticks of course). The pastor, Myoung, asked me to share my testimony during lunch. It's always powerful to hear what God does in people's lives, and it's especially powerful to look back at your own life and see where God has brought you. I love how much He changes His people when they seek him! I wonder how much He's going to do over this year in Korea. It's been a great few months so far, I know it'll only get better! Anyway, if you're interested, here is my story :)

Good morning!   I’m Zara and I’m a Christian. 

 

I grew up going to church; my parents made sure I was active in Sunday School and I got the opportunity to go to a Christian summer camp every year.  When I was 13, I said a prayer to invite Jesus into my life, and that was really the first time I experienced a response to God’s call.  Up to that point, my faith was just what other people had told me.  So, I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was a teenager, but I still didn’t really know what that meant.  Jesus rescued me before I knew how much I needed saving. 

 

There comes a point in life where you look around at the lives of people around you and decide if you want your life to look like theirs or if you want to strike a new path.  That was where I was in university.  I went to college at Texas A&M University in College Station, TX.  My faith grew tremendously over those years by joining a church, finding a small group, reading the Word, being intentional about my prayers, and being mentored by people who visibly loved Jesus Christ.  The more I found out about my God, the more I wanted.  And I found that the more I sought God, the more He showed up.  It’s a great concept and it’s still true; it wasn’t just for that time of my life.  The more I seek God, the more I see Him! 

 

The next part of my story has to do with uncertainty.  See, I was getting a degree in Construction Science, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed, I’m not even remotely in Construction anymore.  I decided that it wasn’t for me about 3 months before I graduated.  So I was like, now what? 

 

I’ve always been a planner.  Up til that semester, I thought I was fine.  I wanted things to go the way I had planned, so if God’s plan for my life fell in accordance with my plans, we were golden.  Kind of like a “here are my plans, Lord, and I’ll go to church and volunteer with the youth group too.”  But then, all of a sudden, I had no plans and that was... okay. 

 

That semester, I heard something that semester that has really stuck with me.   A Bible Study leader mentioned that making plans is good, but he made sure to warn us not to freak out when God changes them.  He said to hold your plans with an open palm.  That way, God doesn’t have to wrench them out of your hands.  His plan will be accomplished one way or another; this way, you won’t hurt yourself.  

 

 

That spring was the season that I really gave God CONTROL of my life.  I’d been calling Him Lord, indicating my service to Him, but expecting Him to serve me.  That was an incorrect assumption on my part.  I love God.  I trust Him.  Of course I’d be ok after graduation. 

 

That’s the moment, the time I can look back on, when I started to live out my faith.  Over the next few months, God taught me more about the gifts he’s given me in working with children and youth, showed me the beginning of a plan to use me to care for “the least of these,” orphans, foster children, and abandoned children.  With that, I began a Master’s of Education that led me to work in an alternative school in Houston for a couple of years before bringing me here, to South Korea.  I’m not completely sure how all of this will work toward the vision of orphan ministry someday, but I’m confident that God knows exactly what he’s doing with my life, if I’ll just let him have control.  His timing isn’t my timing, and it never fails. 

 

 

There comes a point in life where you look around at the lives of people around you and decide if you want your life to look like theirs or if you want to strike a new path.  There are people who look at me like I’m crazy because I’ve held on to my principles, because my faith tells me that my actions reflect on the cross.  What keeps me motivated to follow this God, this Jesus, is that Jesus rescued me before I knew fully how much I needed to be rescued. 

 

The Good News is that we are saved by grace, through faith in Jesus, because he took the punishment for sin.  He died a thousand times worse than he should have, because he loves us oh so dearly.  God looked down upon his son on the cross, the human form of God himself, and allowed him to choose pain and suffering.  When Jesus said “it is finished,” he didn’t mean just that his life or his suffering were finished.  He meant that the punishment for sin, all sin, past or future, was finished.  With those words, he gave us LIFE. 

That is why I am a Christian.  I see my life and am overwhelmed by the grace the God showed me.  I am saved.  I am rescued.  I accepted that forgiveness provided by the cross and I am washed clean.  No more destruction will come my way cause Jesus took mine.  He took yours too, if you take him up on the offer.  Heaven only admits the ones who come to him.  CS Lewis writes “Only those into which Love Himself has entered will ascend to Love Himself.”

 

I pray that you choose His grace and His plan too.

 

Amen!

Lent

From Sit a Spell:

Growing up, I thought Lent was something reserved for my Catholic friends.  In my religious superiority, I never stopped to find out what my Catholic friends were actually celebrating.  When God graciously opened my mind a tiny bit, and I started asking questions instead of judging, I found that Lent is a time of preparation leading up to Easter.  It's a beautiful, focused season when believers can savor the story of the gospel, the meaning of the cross, and the hope of the resurrection. What a perfect time to ask God how these truths can bring about actual, tangible change in our lives and ultimately in this world. 

I love Lent.   This year it's hard for me to decide what to add or subtract from my life to celebrate and observe the coming of Christ's Death and Resurrection, especially since I just left the States.  That in itself is a huge adjustment!  I've been struggling to decide what to do, so I'm going to take this time and use this blog space as a sounding board to think on it for a bit...

I suppose I could give up something like coffee, but it's one of the only things that is the same in my routine so far, once or twice a week.  I may not want to take that away too, just yet. Last week I posted on facebook that I was giving up America for Lent.  I said it kinda tongue-in-cheek cause I did give it up, which began Tuesday/Wednesday.  I'll stick with that for a "sacrifice," because there hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't remember that I am completely dependent on God!  These 40 days are all about that.

In the past, I've added spiritual disciplines, and I've really enjoyed what that did for my soul as I remember Christ's sacrifice.  Now, I know that it's a few days late to really get the full 40 days, but my heart is yearning for something to focus on specifically for Lent, so I want to begin something anyway (even if it's not for the Entire Official Forty Days).  So, I think I might add a prayer every night from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word.  I really enjoy that book.  I've been using it as a guide to pray once in a while over certain strongholds in my life.  I think I will add a prayer every night, intentionally, from the chapter on idolatry.  In Isaiah 43:11 He says "I, even I, am the LORD, and apart from me there is no savior." Yes, I believe that is the perfect prayer for my heart in this season of Lenten transition. 



Speaking of sacrifice, a friend of mine reminded me that it's normal to be sad about the things I'll miss in the States this year, cause they are real things to miss, like my niece's upcoming birth in May, or big holidays with my family.  She mentioned, though, to focus more attention on the fact that Jesus had Heaven as His home.  He lived there with the Father.  He gave up HEAVEN for 33 years, to take His role as our Savior, the atoning sacrifice for our sins.  The States are awesome, but they don't compare to Heaven.  Earth is vile compared to Heaven, but Korea is just a different country.  I can keep that in mind.  When I'm struggling, take a deep breath and think: my Jesus who saved me understands being an alien in a foreign land.  :)